(This is something I wrote a while back)
Hello, good evening and welcome. On the programme tonight we have a very
special guest indeed. He has been around for a very long time and yet few of us
have ever seen him … and lived! Please give a big hand for the Grim Reaper,
the Man with the Scythe … yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is the Angel of Death
himself!!!!!
(The host steps back towards the seating area. Descending the staircase is a
figure 2 metres tall. It is clad in a black monks habit with the hood up and
masking the face. Over the figures right shoulder is a scythe held in place by
the right hand, which is skeletal. The figure appears to glide, rather than walk. It
descends the staircase and approaches the host. As the figure comes closer
the hosts breath can clearly be seen in the air.)
Host: Good evening, Death and welcome to the show. It is a great pleasure to have you
here and I look forward to an interesting conversation this evening.
AofD: Hic placet praevenire et morum.
Host: I would appreciate it if you would speak English please, and I am sure our audience
would too.
AofD: O terribly sorry, of course of course. I don't get the chance to use Latin much these
days.
Host: Well, what do I call you? Mr? Sir? Doctor?
AofD: “Death” is just fine.
Host: Well, Death, I would like to ask you about your job. What is it you do actually?
AofD: Your kidding, right?
Host: Well, so, …. you just, erm, kill people?
AofD: Basically. Although I am the reaper of the crop ….. the butcher who comes for the
sheep.
Host: How do you know who to take … is there a list … ?
AofD: Sort of ….. it sort of comes to me …. I just know …..
Host: Where does it come from?
AofD: Well ….. from the boss of course.
Host: You mean from God?
AofD: O no … not the one you call 'god' ….. he has a billion names. Anyway, we call him
the old man.
Host: So … who then?
AofD: The Metatron.
Host: Who … or what is that?
AofD: You haven't prepared very well for this have you? He is a seraph, the highest rank
in the angelic bureaucracy. He is The Voice of God. Gods spokesman. Gods
secretary in chief. The Keeper of the Lists and Records. The real power in
Heaven. The arse-hole of all time.
Host: He keeps the records and sends you the list?
AofD: Yes. The List of the Doomed and the Saved. I just know who is next.
Host: He keeps you busy then? No time for hobbies or girls … ha ha ha ….
AofD: Do you know how many people die on this planet every day?
Host: Er ….. no.
AofD: On average 150,000. That is 6,250 every hour … 104 every minute …. almost 2 a
second … yes, you could say I am busy.
Host: I see …... do you work alone then, or do you have help?
AofD: OF COURSE I work alone! There are the 'Collectors' ….. they come after me to
take the dead….to collect. But I do the reaping … the butchering.
Host: And … erm …. who sends the collectors?
AofD: The Metatron ….. or Lucifer … depends.
Host: Ah … yes … of course.
AofD: It is easier in the poorer countries of course ….. I just have a quota … not a list.
Host: I see …. so you are a busy …. er …... being?
AofD: Very … you know those occasions when someone survives an horrific accident, or
recovers from a fatal disease?
Host: Yes.
AofD: I was late … hahaha …. nothing to do with the boss. Their names just go back in
the pool.
Host: How did you get this ….. job? What is your story? What is your background for
example?
AofD: My background? Well ….. for an infinity of years I was a part of the angelic choir
around the throne of heaven.
Host: Wow … I am impressed!
AofD: Don’t be. Do not be impressed. Imagine millions of angels, all singing. And all
singing one of two things. It was either 'Glory, Glory, Glory be to God on high' or it
was 'Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna.' That was it …... imagine that, for an infinity of
years, in the harshest light you can imagine …. I think we all became a bit
psychotic!
Host: Mmmmm …... so you could see the Throne? What is it like?
AofD: Well …. a big seat made out of marble really. It is on top of a massive pyramid with
stairs all the way up each side. All polished white marble … burns your eyes out to
look at it! Flying around the throne are the bloody seraphim …. the fiery ones …..
the boss class. That’s all they damn well do. Except for the Metatron of course. And
on the four corners of the pyramid, at the bottom, sit the cherubim … scary scary
things! They keep the choir in order and tell us when to change the tune.
Host: Interesting …. but … but who is ON the throne? God?
AofD: Sometimes the old man is on it yes …. often it is empty …... sometimes the
Metatron, doing paperwork, sometimes one of the old man’s sons … …
Host: He has more than one?????
AofD: Loads. Some are mistakes, some are accidents, some are jokes …... often a result
of not knowing who the hell he is …. this 'trinity' stuff. Some mysterious moves been
made there. O, by the way, do you mind if I smoke?
Host: Smoke! Does it make a difference if I mind?
AofD: (Laughs) No.
(The AofD takes a huge pipe out from his robes with a skull as a bowl. He
also takes out a leather bag and proceeds to fill the pipe from the bag. He
raises the pipe to his hooded head and the end disappears into the hood. He
snaps his fingers and produces flame. With this he lights the pipe and begins to
produce large quantities of smoke. He continues to smoke for the rest of the
show.)
Host: So,
when God is there ….. what does he do?
AofD: Not much. He is usually very distracted. Usually fiddling with some thing or other …
a lump of clay, or whittling a piece of wood. He makes lots of things …. usually
poorly! Throws a lot away. Then, a rumour began to go around that the old man was
making something really, really big. We didn't see him for a very long time. Turned
out it was the universe he was busy with. Fancy that!
Host: OK ….. but you were still in the chorus?
AofD: Yes. But, one day, the Metatron came to me with a proposal. Apparently, since you
lot had appeared the old man had gone a bit crazy ….. uncontrollable killing ….
wrath of god crap. The Metatron decided it was time to take control and make the
system more efficient. He offered me this job …... I took it like a shot! Anything to
get out of that mad house! This was after Lucifer's rebellion of course …. some sort
of agreement had to be made about who got who and so on ...
Host: So you knew Satan?
AofD: LUCIFER! Lucifer Morningstar …. The Light of Reason …. the Interlocutor … the
Opponent …. He led the opposition to the Metatron.He had many supporters.
When he gave the light of reason to you lot he crossed a line. He was to be
destroyed ….. he rebelled … a civil war went on for a long-time in Heaven let me
tell you. Luckily, my choir duties kept me out of it ...
Host: But he … Lucifer …. lost?
AofD: Well, he lost the fight in heaven … got kicked out … took almost half the heavenly
host with him though. He is very popular. Anyway, part of the peace deal was that
heaven and hell would share the dead ….. the Metatron maintains the list … let me
tell you that is one hell of a huge bureaucracy on it's own! ….. and I am the
executor.
Host: So …. Lucifer was banished to Hell?
AofD: Well ….. it was a peace deal ….. he got a parcel to himself and his followers. I tell
you what, I would rather go to Hell than Heaven. ALL of the interesting people are in
Hell …. in Heaven you just sing all … the … bloody … time!!!!!
Host: Can anyone smell smoke? It is a bit difficult with your pipe Death, but I am sure I
can smell smoke …
AofD: Well, time for me to go. The studio has burnt down and you are all dead ….. the
Collectors will be here in a minute. I couldn't just sit here for ½ an hour doing
nothing ….. so I took you all out. It has been a pleasure … goodnight.
